I am proficient enough in Spanish to read posters on the streets and emails confirming appointments. But I am certainly not proficient enough to navigate the questions asked on the Spanish driving test.

So I took the test in English.

And I’m not sure that was any easier.

It seems they’ve used Google translate. The version from 2006.

And when something is “in English”, that means British English. Which I can understand without a problem when speaking with a Brit. But when it comes to their driving-related vocabulary? Not so much.

Do you know what a “dual carriageway” is? And is that any different from a “motorway”?

I don’t know, either.

I had the “Learning to Drive English Manual B” in my possession. But nowhere did it tell me what either of those words meant. Maybe that was in Manual A?

My husband Michael had already passed the test. “If I can do it, you certainly can.”

However, it was so stressful for Michael that he bought a blood pressure cuff. He has scientific evidence that one’s blood pressure will rise–sometimes quite a bit–when studying for the written portion of the Spanish driving test.

Why? Because to pass, you have to score 90%.

To put this in perspective, to pass the New York state drivers test, one only need to score a 70%.

The New York state drivers manual? 77 pages.
Spain drivers manual? 266.

On the New York state test, there are 20 questions. You can get six wrong and still pass.

In Spain? Thirty questions. And you can only get three wrong.

It’s referred to as a “theory test.” But there are thousands of cold hard facts you have to know.

Yes, thousands. The site I used to practice advertises, “more than 3500 official questions taken from real exams.”

Let’s say you’re stopped on the shoulder at night: which lights do you have to use?

Answer: the position lights.

What are those? I have no idea.

But I do know that if I find myself driving a truck with a width greater 2.10 meters, I better have my clearance lights on.

Though I don’t know what those are, either.

Should I ever pass the written test, and eventually get my license, after three years I will be able to drive a motorcycle in Spain.

Which explains why I now know that the right hand controls the front brake and accelerator of a motorcycle. The left hand controls the clutch. Though the only clutch I’ve ever used are the ones women carry when they wear fancy dresses. And I haven’t clutched one of those in years.

There is an entire Facebook group dedicated to “Ladies Driving in Spain” which, to more accurately reflect the actual topics of discussion on the page, should be renamed, “Passing the Spanish Driving Tests Without Losing Your Mind.”

Should I make it through the written test, I have to then pass a practical test. Even if I’m an American who has been driving for 30 years.

Though, to be fair, I have only ever driven an automatic car. Spain, like most of Europe, is a country of manual cars. I thought maybe this would be a good time to learn to drive a stick shift. Then a friend asked me, “Why do you want to make this whole process harder?”

So I’m applying for the license that only grants me access to automatic cars.

73% of people fail the practical driving test first time. I’ll hoping those are the people trying to drive a manual transmission.

Michael, with 39 years of driving experience, opted to take a few driving lessons to learn what the practical test would be like. They assign specific points values to every mistake you make. Stay under 10 points: you win.

There are a few things you can do that will result in immediate failure, like crossing a solid line in the center of the road. Even if there’s a truck double parked in front of you and you can clearly see around him.

Stopping fully at a stop sign is not good enough. You have to be stopped for three seconds. Michael counted those seconds aloud during his test, which is recommended by test-taking veterans.

And after those three seconds? If you can’t see clearly, inch up and stop again.

Actually, it’s advised that, for the test, you do this “double stop” every time. The examiner is sitting in the back seat. So if he can’t see clearly, he may take off points.

Why is the examiner in the backseat? Because your driving instructor is in the passenger seat. In Spain, you can only take the practical driving test through a school using their car. And the instructor has to sit beside you. But they can’t say a word.

Which wouldn’t be a problem if the examiner was speaking English. But there’s no guarantee on that. If you have an English speaking driving instructor, they can kindly ask to serve as translator. They can kindly be denied.

But those are worries for another day.

My first mission? Pass the written test.

(To be continued. . . )

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• License to Drive Part 2 can be found here.
• License to Drive (in Spain) Part 3 can be found here.