“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wouldn’t have stood you up,” said the bartender. “Thanks,” I said, doing my best to hold myself together as I plopped down his tip, hopped off the bar stool I’d kept warm for a half hour, and headed out the door.
I’m not a big fan of sitting alone at a bar. But if I’m waiting for someone, I’ll do it. I’ll try to get in on a conversation with others at the bar so I don’t feel so alone. And that’s just what I had done this time. After ordering my drink, the bartender asked, “Are you meeting someone?” “I’m supposed to,” I responded, already knowing in my gut it wasn’t going to happen. I knew as soon as I walked in and he wasn’t there. But I had put on a happy face, saddled up to the bar as if I drink alone all the time, and ordered myself a glass of wine to calm my nerves. It didn’t help much.
After ten minutes I texted him to find out where he was. Contrary to popular thought, checking your text messages every three minutes does not make new ones rapidly appear. Fifteen minutes later (though it felt like an hour – how long to do you wait? I figured until I finished my wine…) I declared to the bartender I’d been stood up and asked what I owed him. He asked if I was sure I didn’t want another drink. I don’t think it would have eased my pain…besides the fact I’d driven an hour to get here and had to get home. I was going to have enough trouble seeing through my tears – another glass of wine would not have helped.
He tried to console me saying that he would have never stood me up. And that’s when it hit me. I am SO worth more than this. Or so I try to tell myself. How many friends had I seen do just what I was doing? Give someone another chance only to be shot down over and over. Why do we women do this to ourselves? In hopes that one day he’ll change? That one day all of a sudden he’ll be someone other than who he is? Or is it because it’s easier to at least have someone in your life, even if he’s not perfect, because we know no one ever will be. So how close to perfect can you get, anyway? Well, closer than this I’m sure. I’m sure because I’ve had it before. I’ve had men that never stood me up – not only that, but I never feared they ever would. I’ve had relationships that were flat out easy – not a single fear that he would not call, that he would forget my birthday. I remember one of my sisters once asking me, after her boyfriend dropped off the face of the earth for a few days, “What do you do when your boyfriend doesn’t contact you for a few days?” “Uh…I don’t know,” I stuttered. “I’ve never had that happen.” Well, that was a long time ago. And since that time I’ve had men I cared about, and thought cared about me, drop off the face of the earth. And when they show up again I’m there. And now I understand all my girlfriends that do the same thing….
I wish I knew a fool proof remedy for recovering from such situations. I wasn’t in the mood for chocolate (odd, very odd…), nor ice cream…I sought the solace of friends but all were out enjoying their holiday weekend. Why can’t I be let down on a random Tuesday? Why does it have to happen on a night when everyone else in the world is with friends having a good time? I finally made it home, and thankfully it’s time for bed. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better day:)